whispers and water bottles…

welcome back! to myself, and to you. after a months-long writing hiatus, i am back and busting with many overdue words about where God took me this past season. and, oh, have we gone places–deep, wonderful places.

let’s begin with the basics: since i last posted, i have graduated from cssm (the ministry school), turned a quarter of a century (without being raptured), am driving a new hand-me-down car (three letters: b. m. w.), and living in a home of ten residents (i made my room up in the garage–come on smoldering texas summer); all the while remaining in texas. there may be a lack of salt water waves and green mountains in this region, but man, are these people really something. if the fried chicken does not keep you, the little community sure will. in a city of over 700,000, the church i attend only boasts of about 800 members, and from within those beautiful people our school only enrolled around 35. not a lot, but i come from the notion that God rather enjoys those little things that can really pack a punch. like mustard seeds, for instance. and atoms. and whispers. and children. and loaves. and fishermen. and, well, you get the idea. Jesus said that God’s kingdom starts as a seed smaller than most, but when planted grows larger than any other. His creation consists of very small particles and strings that when vibrated or cut explode into life and power. for elijah, God waited until all the big winds and earthquakes passed before inhabiting a gentle breeze. He grants entrance into heaven to those with child-like semblance, and multiplies kids’ lunches to feed thousands. and let us not forget simple disciples and fools whom He chooses to dwell inside of. that proverbial quip flippantly thrown about–”good things come in small packages”–proves to have more umph than i often give it credit. same goes for water bottles. i cannot imagine you followed me to that logical latter sentence, so allow me a quick antidote from my life, specifically from this morning…

about two months ago (i know i said “from this morning,” but you need some back story, so stay with me) our school fed a few homeless on a well-known poverty-stricken street, lancaster avenue. throughout our school year, a group of students went on weekly outreaches to worship at the women’s shelter there as well as help tenants at a nearby motel. we came with tuna sandwich lunches and water bottles. yes, the water bottles proved to be quite appreciated, and the whole experience left a lingering desire in myself and a couple others to return. i like spending time with these saints; i have fallen a little bit in love with the people on this street. it gets hot during the summer, and seeing as a 24-pack of water costs less than a few dollars, they seem like a sustainable gift we could carry out all summer long–these plastic hydration stations an ongoing excuse to spend some time seeing thirsty hearts refreshed with love.

so this morning, my friend and i loaded these bottles into a gym bag and began to our walk down lancaster. and i will tell you, i woke up not especially ready to run out and love–my head hurt, and that to-do list beeping on my phone kindly reminded me i did not have the time for extracurriculars on my day off. but then my heart started beeping, recalling how much i desire these people to know how much Jesus loves them, and if i sow my time, i can reap it later. as i walked out the door, my headache left and i realized how much power awaited release in this next hour.

we prayed and blessed each little bottle to break addictions, to be filled with ‘new wine’ and be packed with healing love (like i said, “good things come in small packages”). great things awaited each pair of famished lips; God’s Spirit ready to lavish Himself on them through a simple gift. after handing off a few of these anointed waters, we rounded a corner and found ourselves sitting on the sidewalk with two men–and for the next hour, sat with them amidst the heat and aroma of weed. i saw their hearts as God gave us words to share with each of them about their true identities–both of these men have amazing days ahead of them. at one point, one remarked, “normally this street is full of cracked-out people and death, but today the air is clear and the birds are singing.” when the presence of God comes into a place, even the air changes. upon leaving, we hugged our new friends and enjoyed their blessing upon us before realizing we only passed out half of our water. from the car window, we drove out the crowded block rapidly tossing the remaining bottles proclaiming, “holy water! filled with love and healing! be blessed!”

our only direct interaction centered around two, but i know God would not resist watering their souls as we watered their throats. i believe each bottle handed out in love watered the mustard plants within each recipient, as indicated by the smiles and bless you‘s given back in response. and because i know that God tends towards the little things, done in His name, i rest assured that what we saw seeping up from cracks in the cement within lancaster’s hearts only indicates a rushing torrent of His transforming power about to rush out. and not to mention, i seemed to have an extra measure of time to complete every task i needed to for the day. i cannot wait to get back.

as for me, i have quite a stream running through my own veins. this july i roadtrip out to california with a friend–to go camping, celebrate a holy matrimony, rekindle relationships and minister with each turn of our tires. upon my return, i will join an ministry trip to mozambique and south africa for a couple weeks in august. i do not want to hoard any longer the acts of God through my life, so i intend to upkeep this small blog with what He is up to with me–even the small places. in the same way, i know that prayers of righteous ones bring about great results, so do not hesitate to pray blessings for me (yes, you read correctly, you are righteous ones). if you want to give monetarily, go ahead! your small amounts grow just the same, and prunes your own money tree to bloom even more robustly than before. check out the [help me go] tab. these ways you can go with me, for when your heart strings attach to something, you can not help but feel the resulting tugs and surges of living water rushing into your veins and onto your own streets…

so what’s next? since you must know…

we must keep moving.

what happens today remains good for today, but continue to graduate into more. laws of nature dictate we in the animal kingdom will move from order to disorder: we are born up and then begin our fall into decay, wrapping up in our inevitable demise. this will veritably occur in each portion of ourselves if we do not make intentional actions towards improvement. allow me to expand: if i stop exercising, i mentally move into a place of lethargy and eventually grow lax on my good dietary aspirations (in other words, my cravings for celery slowly give way to an insatiable appetite for cookie dough). at this point, it is only a matter of days before i loose all desire to wear running shoes and watch my body swell with l-b’s. if i neglect my curiosity and the many unread books on my shelf (or in my case, in a pile on my floor, for i do not own shelving), i quickly find myself indulging in forms of entertainment that turn my mind to mush: reality tv and aimless internet searches. my normal efforts to counteract thermodynamics’ curse of entropy in my life puts me on a constant course of relentless treading. routine maintenance rather bores me, and it usually ends in some existential crises where i wonder “what is it all really for?” and i can easily settle into a comfortable place of indifference regarding the present.

thus the same course could easily ensnare me with regard to my life experiences: i went to thailand, had a robust time, and now i carry around my picture book and journal full of “this is from that one time i went after God’s best for my life.” i do not want this to be the case. i will not let it be the case. God’s desire for us is not to merely live good lives, but to live abundantly. as i remain active–actively allowing Him to pour His grace out on my life and actively pursuing after His love and power–i continually step into more life, into abundance. my part is to answer the invite, “come, follow Me,” with either an “i will go” or a “no thanks, i’m good.”

well i say: yes please.

for me, this entails physical relocation. as my spirit and mind keeping running, so must my heart go with them. and seeing as my heart is very much connected to all my other anatomical features, my body must also move. so we come to the question stirring on all of the tips of your tongues: what are you going to do next?

texas.

fort worth, texas, to be exact.

the convergence school of supernatural ministry in fort worth, texas, to really answer your question.

before you start your skeptical inquiries into the name of the school and begin wondering if i have enrolled in hogwarts and received a wand upon registration, i must assure you, i kind of have. not in the fantastical sort of way that only exists in children’s  novels (though walking through the wardrobe to meet mr. tumnus at the lamppost has always been a real dream of mine), but of the same type that exists in a very real way in books such as genesis, 1 samuel, acts, revelation and the like–you know, in the bible. if you examine your belief regarding God, i assume most of you would agree on the characteristic supernatural, yes? furthermore, you may also agree that His actions in your lives are often supernatural in nature. oh good–me, too. i do not want my life to be full of my own plowing efforts against sin and sickness, i want God to use me supernaturally (there’s that word again) to see His kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven. i do not want the laws of nature to be my standard of living, but for God’s glory to be my hope for myself and those around me: to see the sick healed, the dead raised, lepers cleansed and demons cast out. this is what the school goes after: learning how to allow the Holy Spirit to work in the way of His choosing for His glory through my life, wherever i may be and whatever i may do post-hence. i am the Lord’s, and i want to walk with Him.

answering God’s call to come and follow quickly grows in the realm of the impossible, naturally speaking. why? because God love us and He wants our joy to be made full. He calls us to have faith, to trust Him, so He may move us into glory with every step of obedience we take. after writing my application for the school, i prayed with God and said to Him, “i believe this is where You want me to go next, if i’m not hearing You right, then do not let me get in. if i get in, i’m taking that as a green light, and going.” so of course the application takes months to process instead of the expected weeks; of course my summer job opportunities did not rake in the projected dough; of course i did not have the funds for tuition (or even the gas to get to there); of course i had to get new brakes and tires one week before leaving.  and then i am asked point blank: will you still go? He got me in, so i must obey my promise to Him–and go. just in the getting there, this school is already proving to be a bit supernatural.

and so i begin to pack, and a couple people are led to support me with some monetary gifts. i get my ’89 camry in working order, knowing it will take a miracle for kazu to make it these next 1600 miles cross-country. getting into my car, i set out on the journey east (via the central coast to pick up my road companion)–still short for the first tuition payment due in a few days–and drive. somewhere around arizona and new mexico, i check my bank account online: i have enough. no deposits made, there is just more money in my account. of course. we arrive in texas, automobile in full working order. of course. i get a job here less than four days upon settling in. of course. because when God calls, He also equips. and now i know for sure i am where i am supposed to be, with an extra measure of faith as an add-on. all i had to do was walk where He asked.

if this is how He brings me, i cannot imagine what He will do while i am here, except that it will be:

awesome

(and i guess supernatural, too).

and all this for the purpose of redeeming my severed relationship with the One who is love, just as Jesus covers peter’s denial of Him with an expression of love in John 21. He must ask peter three times—if He were to do less the restoration would not be complete. He must re-establish the love bond before moving forward and leaving to sit beside His Father in heaven.

peter is grieved in part because of God’s grace for redemption—“it is the kindness of the Lord that leads us unto repentance”—he was so touched by Jesus’ love for him and by his grown love in return that peter’s heart moves to repent and is restored upon the third profession, “Lord, You know all things; You know that i love You.” it is also here that peter hands over the last of his-will-apart-from-God’s; it is his last possession sold. now he must give them to the poor (“tend my sheep”) and follow Jesus; now he has seen the crucifixion and understands the cost of loving Jesus. he has already experienced the utter misery of denying his love for God and here moves to deny himself, take up his cross, and follow his God. this passage is the point no return for peter: his natural human sympathies find him first caught by grief, just as the rich man was, but peter does not stop there—this very well may be the first time in his life he follows through—he admits his love, solidifying his faith for when Jesus departs. the Holy Spirit will have a completely surrendered human being to inhabit at pentecost, the vessel readied—full of love and void of sin—the perfect environment for the Spirit of God to move freely through.

so here i stand, walking alone the shore after breakfast with jesus and he asks, a third time, “do you love me?”

yes, lord, you know that I do.

unburdening…

i had high hopes for myself this summer. delusions of grandeur: i would keep up with my blog–

woops.

with my deepest apologies—if you were in fact looking forward to more frequent postings, now that the internet and my personal computer lay within reach during the majority of my hours back in san diego, only to be rather lost and disappointed all summer long—i have no excuses to offer other than to say: well, i am back. and i will now proceed to fill you in and up-to-date you on my recent stint back in my home country, in my hometown (at least  a portion of it).

it has been hard (harder than i expected). this realization finally deposited itself into my thoughts on my first night while leading a youth group at a christian adventure camp—only two weeks ago. it spoke to me as our guide explained, “God is all around us in His creation; i mean, look up at the stars…” so i did: i looked up at those stars, the billions of them, and knew an ease that had not been present for a long while. no one else existed for a moment right then, and the whisper came, I know it has been hard for you being here and not doing much in the way of productivity and not knowing where you are going and Me just asking you to remain patient; I know. I know that insulated housing overwhelms you and driving in air conditioning to another insulated building tends to bring about claustrophobic spasms; I know dirt and trees and real air meet your needs more than refrigerators and garages and big beds do; I know. I know that you desire above all, though, to follow Me wherever I lead you; I know you know I love you. All this is not in vain, I am bringing unto Me, this fight ends in victory. I am reminding you here: I know.

one week prior i sat outside on my driveway ledge under the corner street lamp, pen in hand, writing through the stream of my consciousness. what came onto the page finally managed to break through all the struggling for peace in my life, for peace in the waiting and the not understanding: Jesus you are so patient with me always, of course i can be patient with you. maybe you all have mastered the art of peace in waiting–i.e., patience–but i have been a most impatient soul these last months. unable to budge the constant onslaught of anxious thoughts as well as discovering my natural refusal to cease striving, i once again walked outside that night to breathe and have a moment with my Father. there came no condemning words about what a demanding and restless child i am, only the confession of my own heart on paper, the simple logic: if you can be patient with me, the loony human, how easily could i then muster a bit of patience for you, my God of all the universe. and then the flood of stillness calmed my inner lake and from that moment forth, remained serene.

all this to say, though this summer proved a bit more difficult than expected, i can hardly complain. surrounded again by those who love me for reasons i do not often understand (and i love them in return all the more for it), i entered into a place where i constantly found myself overwhelmed by love. of the many things revealed to me from may until august, there stands above the rest a reoccurring theme requiring a relentless action on my part: that of unburdening. i do not mean the feng shui sort of order that comes when you throw out all excess in your home, move around your bed to face the rising sun, and buy only fresh flowers to improve the flow of chi in one’s home (though i did rid myself of excess clothing and trinkets, move my bed around, and brought home fresh flowers whenever possible), i am speaking of a deeper throwing off to make way for the Holy Spirit to move freely through my heart and space–a kind of feng Jesus, if you will. it is the laying aside [of] every weight and sin which so easily entangles, and running with endurance the race set before me, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God (hebrews 12:1-you should just read the whole chapter, it’s good). the truth that Jesus’ yoke is easy and his burden rather light comes because in His love for me, He harnessed Himself to the other side of my hitch–and seeing how He is quite larger and altogether stronger than myself (i imagine blue babe, but you are welcome to your own imaginative constructions), He can do all the pulling and the bearing of weight. but i must continually let go of it all, continually let God do the work and just go freely beside Him, to remain in that joy, in that peace that comes with easy yokes. most of my preliminary comprehension regarding this related to the freedom of a pure life and the freedom from sin, but these past months dove deeper: even blessings become burdens if they are not released. and God used the least likely of circumstances to move me into letting go, to step up with Him and walk together while He did the weight lifting…

i lived with a family in san diego that is my like my second family, and thus they take me on their family vacations (yes!). we went for a week to colorado and stayed in their cabin near durango. on sunday, we attended the local church: a very tiny log chapel, complete with steeple. if this did not already scream traditional, walking into the sanctuary and finding a sea of silver heads beam with smiles as they spotted young adults enter (a certainly rare, if not unprecedented, occasion in this service to be sure) would definitely solidify the feeling that robed choirs and hymnals in the pews were about to surface (which they did). needless to say, i was a bit tickled at the scene we had entered into–how ironically it melded with my very expectation of a quaint mountain church service. and then i began to giggle again after the sermon on, yes: burdens; and how the Holy Spirit grabbed me when the preacher offered the alter up as a place to come and cast all your cares upon Jesus; and then how i could not believe that i was walking up to the front, because i had burdens to let go of; and then i knelt there for longer than anyone else and all this could have been embarrassing but i just found myself amused at God choice of exactly when to convict me, and how i could not resist His invitation. you would not believe the relief i felt walking out of that little church, shaking the pastor’s hand as i told him, “man, those words really touched me today. thank you.”

a few days later we got to go white water rafting: on little one man inflatable kayaks (duckies). i have never done this before. it was dave (dad), rachel, laben, jordan, and me, of whom all have experience on this river before except for laben and i–but he’s a body builder, and i am not (just for the record). about a half hour into our trip down the animas (the river), i get stuck in a little rock rapid and end up losing my paddle and instead have to use my hands as paddles in the freezing water to get out and down the river, so i may retrieve my lost paddle. it was a pretty helpless feeling, and the incident really drove home the point that i had NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING. i kayak in the ocean, but this is very, very different. anyway, we continue down until we hit “the hammer”–i.e., the biggest of the rapids on this section of water. we pulled off to the side to look at them and talk about them, and a lot of pro kayakers were out as well as other spectators. they kept saying things like, “i can’t believe you guys are going down this thing on those;” “the river is really flowing high today;” “if i wasn’t wearing a helmet, i would’ve died;” etc–needless to say, my adrenaline was PUMPING. so dave and rach go first: dave falls out of his kayak, rachel falls out and her’s floats down the river. next up, laben: he gets to the top of the last rapid, only to be sucked back in and capsize. all three have banged up knees from the rocks. now it’s my turn:

as i was walking back to my boat alone, i began thinking, “there is NO way im going to make it through this on my own strength, it’s impossible.” so i began to sing a little song i picked up in thailand, “there is nothing my God cannot do, He can do all things, He can do all things, nothing is impossible with you, Jesus” and i just keep singing: as i get into my kayak, as i paddle into the river and get turned backwards, as i hit the rapids NOT straight on, as i am going into the last one and take one big, last minute stroke to straighten out, and as i go: OVER IT! i made it! the only one (jordan went after me and fell out like the others), praising Jesus the entire time. i was so giddy i kept smiling and hopping around. heaven was all around me, man, it was crazy. the others told me that from the shore they started praying for me and it was “like watching a miracle unfold” and that “i looked like a little angel all smiling while everyone else had had this panic ‘oh shit’ look on their faces.”

me and my kayak

and then there were those days where i let it build up, where the waves of restless apathy came pouring into me from small cracks in my armor. it would press in threatening to abolish my hope and already rustling up my joy, until in my near state of explosion i would throw on my running shoes and take off. minutes and minutes later, the ease would return and i could finally get a clear connection solely between me and my Lord. either a long run, or time outside on our curb talking (what looked like to myself, to the untrained eye of passers-by) aloud to God and verbally warring against that thief of my ability to be still. i did not have a steady income this summer, i spent more hours available at home than is typically comfortable for me, i lacked solid answers to the standard inquiry, “so what are you going to next?”, my community revolved mainly around my family, and i discovered my very weak talent in the art of effective resting. yet this summer moved me into levels of freedom that can only come via divine encounters–intimate moments with my heavenly Father and through intimate restorations with my family and close friends. so light is the feeling of ceasing to try so hard and just run alongside the model ox so graciously hitched up next to me, that i find myself running with endurance, because i really enjoy how God chooses to relate to me, it just kills me…

con thai! con thai!

my phone feels heavy

very, very heavy.

and it’s cold

really, really cold.

in thailand, i had a nice lightweight cell complete with all the essentials a phone needs and nothing more (including, but not limited to: an LED flashlight, snake xania and a conversion calculator). and for the last two months i have been steaming in highly humid heat, not using jackets. and now, here, i step off the plane into below freezing LAX conditions and am handed a cell phone that weighs over 2 kilos and does NOT have an LED flashlight, snake xania, or a conversion calculator.

and then it appears i seem to be more inept when it comes to surviving–gracefully at least–my own native culture when compared with my adaptation skills in surviving northern thai villages. allow me to expand…

the standard greeting in thailand is sawasdee ka (for the ladies), while simultaneously putting your hands in the prayer/namaste position in front of your chest. i have become so accustomed to such that upon entering restaurants and meeting strangers, immediately my hands assume the position and i say something to the effect of “sawahello” catching myself mid-sentence and slyly trying to throw my hands back at my sides, where they belong in america. to add to the awkwardness, habitual thai phrases keep falling out of my mouth…

my first trip to the supermarket proved to be quite a culture shock, as well. in thailand, at any given 7-11 (a store that litters every street corner, much like the starbucks do here), even though you may be the only one in line (or even in the store), it does not follow that you will receive speedy service. in fact, there is little pressure on the clerk to do any such thing. and, too, there is no social faux paux committed when pulling out all the cash you have on hand in public. so, as i wait for the cashier to ring up all my food items, i stand obliviously holding all my dollars out in the open and responding to her with such things as “oh, don’t worry about it”–but in thai. as the total pops up on the register, i then proceed to fan my money out and select the proper bills–where my excellent peripheral vision catches the girl in line behind me staring at me with a open-mouthed, deadpan expression, saying ever so discreetly, ” you have GOT to be kidding me.” at this, my incompetency comes to my consciousness as i fumble quickly to pay and shove the remaining cash back into my wallet, where it belongs in america.

and then, after spending a pleasant lunch with my mother (yes, at a thai restaurant, where i urged the lady to tell me the nearest asian market so that i may nostalgically cook food for myself from her homeland), we go back to my parents’ house to retrieve my loyal camry. and thus the drive home commences–me in a state of tense, controlled panic solo at the wheel. after scooting around on a motorbike these past two months and considering signs and signals secondary to the flow of traffic and the whims of the bigger cars around me, self-reminders like: “not wearing a seatbelt is illegal” and “yellow lights really mean the red is coming, and red really does mean you must stop” paralleled similar thoughts of: “i forget how long it takes to brake in a car!” and “i am too big! much to wide, much bigger than a motorbike!” about halfway through this 10 minute, death-defying trek, my phone rings. and i would make any officer proud as i patriotically uphold the law by shouting to my friend on the line, “i can’t talk right now, i’m driving!” but i can assure you all of this does not compare to the still difficult cultural reversal of trying to remember to drive on the right side of the road, where cars belong in america. needless to say, that evening i opted to walk to the bank.

you may be surprised at my calm exterior as i undergo what the experts deem as ‘reverse culture shock’, but do not be deceived: my mind has not ceased to race, firing neurons at hyperspeeds since i landed in the states. but also do not think i am in any way unsatisfied in my current location, it just takes some time, is all. the experiences of joy upon reuniting with those that i love and who help my heart beat with their love and prayers for me have far outweighed the bouts of insanity and dramatic over-reactions i entertain (they come at the most unexpected of moments–for instance, as i am passively sitting in the passenger seat of the car, a spontaneous urge from within wants to claw through the car window screaming in banshee-like fashion: “get me out of here! take me back! paleeeeeeeeeeeeease!” and then it passes, all unbeknown to the driver…).

but as i settled into bed my first night back, i could not shake the feeling that maybe these past seven months did not really exist. i mean, coming back seems so natural and aside from a few aesthetic changes, it feels the same–i am just as connected to my people here as i was before i left and home still feels like home. so maybe all that God did in me, maybe all that i am in Him now, did not occur. and now the geek in me begins to deduce how exactly this could be possible given what we know in quantum physics and depending on the feasibility of string theory,  i very well may have left and returned without any time lapse at all. no, these are all lies straight from the most evil of places–i went to thailand and it was in this lifetime for a period of seven months, and it is a part of who i am now. so this first night, instead of counting sheep, i resolve to fight away these threats of nonexistence with the declaration:

it happened, it happened!

IT HAPPENED.

(an word on the title: translated it means, ‘thai person! thai person!’, of which my heart signals me whenever i meet one here, and in thailand it was usual response back when a thai person would point at me and say, “farang! farang!”, which means foreigner.)

than many sparrows…

i began this seven month journey with a verse in the bible (in luke or in matthew depending on your preference of gospel writer), “so do not fear, you are more valuable than many sparrows.” i love these little birds. they make the most beautiful nests, so much so that people nab them and sell them for a high profit. sparrows keep losing their homes because of how lovely they make them–a thai buddhist relayed this to me up in the village. other than that, sparrows are considered worthless birds, they are to asia what goldfish are to americans: “and yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.” i see myself more like a sparrow more often than a peacock or eagle or some other radiant bird…but am still under my Jesus’ careful watch wherever i g0–so i am free to fly where i may.

there are protests and violence beginning to spring up in this land of smiles, and serious calls to prayer are being sent out for thailand, but i am not afraid. i am a sparrow.

and after flitting around east asia, with a predominant bent on thailand, i am headed home next week (cinco de mayo, arriba arriba!). the future from may 5th on remains mostly blurry, but i have nothing to fear. i am a sparrow.

my heart was just put into a video, this is my kind of may day:

(i am that little boy, and i am coming home on that plane up in the sky)

see you all stateside…

water water everywhere

so i got baptized for the first time today: april 18, 2010 (i realize that the post is not ‘today’, you caught me, i was a few days late on clicking the publish button). now i will tell you why…

give or take a week, thailand celebrates songkran, or its new year, as a water festival every april 13-15. traditionally, thais go back to their homes and bless one another (and the local buddha) with an anointing of water. according to wikipedia, “the most obvious celebration of songkran is the throwing of water”—this is an understatement:  if you are driving along on a motorbike, you will most assuredly be broadsided from the sidewalk with a bucketful of water in your face, regardless of the speed you are going; if riding along in a songthaew, whether dressed in your business suit or bikini, you also will targeted and arrive at your destination completely soaked. for the thais, there is no malice involved in this general dousing of the population, rather, smiles and dancing accompany both the blesser and the blessee. my first few days of the festival were spent in my bathing suit on the island of koh chang, throwing water and dancing on the sidewalk and then throwing water from the back of my trek guide’s truck. then i spent a day participating in a friend’s city on a much larger scale, fully clothed and dripping for our hour trip back to pattaya. and finally on the big, last day–the nineteenth–we all walked down to beach road and played in water, clay and suds until late into the evening. stages with traditional music, reggae bands, and street dancing all led up to the main stage where hoards of wet ones were covered in a steady stream of h2o coming from hoses up above the crowd. it was fantastic–water parks have nothing on this holiday–and now i am well ready to be dry and have un-pruny (i think that is the technical term) skin.

and so there was water.

a week prior to this, as i set my head down on my pillow ready for a snooze, God seemed to say, “now is the time.” and so i rolled over and promptly said to jessica, “i think i’m ready to be baptized.” amidst a time when all others were celebrating blessings and cleansing for a new year, i dunked into a cleaner season of blessed new life. though i ‘asked Jesus to come into my heart’ at the ripe age of six, baptism was always presented to me as an added option, never an requirement tacked onto my salvation (thank you, mom and dad, for ‘keepin’ it real’). for years it never became a desire of heart, and thus always represented a religious ritual in my mind, and i did not want to partake of it until my heart asked. it started making mention of such about a year ago, on my first trip to thailand. and all that i have experienced since has slowly built up to this climax–of praying for a way to show publicly what God has done privately within me–i want the world to know that i am His. it is an action of accepting my consecration to Himself, to complete abandonment of myself to His will, and one that reflects my being ‘seized by the power of a Great Affection’. i do not want anything to hinder my steps, i want to run free in spirit as well as in body, and now i am assured (if the baptists turn out to be right) that baptism of my body is pushed aside. this leaning back into the waves also symbolizes my accepting His human creation, me, cleansing it from all sin and walking in this reality (with fear and trembling, to be sure).

and so, already drenched in water from the songtheaw ride over to the beach, i stood together in the late afternoon with three thais and three foreigners who prayed over me–and then walked into the waves with ying and jessica, and took the plunge. it seems fitting to mention here, as you are all imagining a rather pristine and romantic scene, that this water is possibly the dirtiest stretch of ocean i have come into contact with yet: brown instead of blue, and trash of all sorts floating above the slimy bank (not to mention i peed in it as i waded in). nevertheless, today it was the holiest of waters, and i hesitated not to be covered in all its goodness. i would like you all to know, dear post readers, that the most difficult part of the ceremony was not having all of you there with me…to share in the celebration. but like all other events that have occurred on this side of the globe, i know that your spirits play with me, and love is not bounded by country lines.

“i have decided to follow Jesus; i have decided to follow Jesus; i have decided to follow Jesus; no turning back, no turning back…”

out of the mountains, down to the coast.

five hours of winding down out of the hills on a motorbike with my karen friend; a day in chiang mai; sixteen hours on a over-air conditioned bus where my seat refused to recline and the dutch boy to my right let me listen to his holland hip hop; an outrageously expensive songtao ride to my friend’s home, and i am have arrived in pattaya.

then to indo…the very next morning.

two hours via bus to bangkok airport; another two hour flight to malaysia, where i would spend the next nine hours: loosing all my cash to airasia, waiting in lines only to discover the atm’s do not like thai bank cards, hugging a wailing indian woman, scrounging just enough money to purchase my fist meal of the day at 6pm (at mcdonald’s–because at least that place reliably serves the same set of fries worldwide) before heading to the gate of my uber delayed plane and befriending a swedish fellow (who would later loan me some dollas to gain entry to indo), along with a crazy dutchman who sells large snakes; another couple hour hop to bandung, indonesia, where i would finally get to lay my head down at 2:30am; awake again two hours later to stumble out to a taxi serenaded by the morning call to prayer and head to the jakarta airport with my new friends, karen and beth; again, a couple hour flight (i am beginning to realize this trip consisted of multiple legs of two…i wish there was some overriding significance to this observation…nope) to land at our first destination point: banjarmasin, south kalimantan; and thus the trip to indo begins.

this week excursion all existed because of an email to my best friend’s aunt and uncle, who i was told i had to meet (and as it just so happens, i agree-i just had to meet these two). they recently moved out to indo and are beginning to gather together a missionary team with pioneers in order to reach the muslim community here (for those of you wondering, this country is predominately muslim, with the exception of the lone hindu island of bali). and after another few emails and phone chats, i had been paired with a girl (beth) surveying the different ministries in indo to join alongside her and see what God is up to on these islands. well, though no less mighty, this is where God goes undercover. still fresh off the plane from my stay in a buddist country–who is open to any and all religious chatter and peaceful with most all religious bent–entering into a place where evangelism (perceived or actual) is grounds for arrest and deportation came as bit of a jolt to my senses (all five of them, as well as my sixth). spiritually, the air hangs thicker and the hairs on the back of your soul are constantly at attention–your angels hover attentively closer. colloquially speaking, common talk converts into acronyms and substitute phrases for buzz words such as ‘christian’, ‘muslim’, ‘church’, and ‘missionary’. the missionaries here work on tiptoe–not in the i’m-afraid-to-be-heard-by-anyone sort of way, but rather as-a-ballerina-moves-so-gracefully-across-the-stage-so-too-am-i-moved sort of way. these people have such a passion for the unreached people of indo, they speak excitedly of prayer rooms shared by both muslims and christians, signs and wonders beginning to occur, christian radio stations and deep english class discussion groups, raising leaders to go back in and minister to their brothers and sisters. though this place may be closed, the spiritual realm is very much alive, and moving with great expectation.

i find it difficult and nigh impossible to effectively summarize this trip…but i will attempt to give you an overview by introducing you to the people i met along the way, and what each of them showed me:

• karen (and husband): moved from the usa almost a year ago to begin language study and is now almost fluent (she’s wicked smart); guide extraordinaire and planned the entire trip for beth and i–spent a few nights up real late together in deep discussions inspired by bad movies
• beth (aka elizabeth…and that’s not the only thing we had in common): an alabamian in her mid twenties en route to joining pioneers, had a rad time sharing our trips together and our desires to see God move through us all over the world; a divinely-given friend who i expect to keep in contact with for some time to come (maybe we will actually get to surf in indo together someday…)
• dave and karen (and two little awesome boys): just moved cities after completing language study and are beginning  ministry with an unreached muslim group; showed us around their town and had some local students come over to their house to video record us for an english class project; their spirits are so infectiously full of joy and enthusiasm, rejoicing in everything (even though they moved into their home a few days before we joined them, they still opened up their lives to us and shared meals with us on the dining room floor); i wish they could live next door to me wherever i go, two days with them was just not enough
• area directors for pioneers: now live in a gorgeous home in bali, but began as missionaries in papua new guinea with an indigenous tribe (grass skirts and everything) for years; these two are seasoned followers of Jesus (they’ve had a full gamut of experiences) and had a wealth of wisdom to pass down to us youngin’s
• liz (aka elizabeth…two in one trip, ridiculous i know): australian lady who lives in a little city home crammed in among indonesians (and loves it); i got to stay the night with her where we spent time discussing how we want to be crazy and all out for God, just letting the Holy Spirit move us into the most absurd and awesome experiences; she introduced me to many of her neighbors and i had a really jolly time under her care
• jeff and constance: what to do in your fifties after your children have grown up and flown the coop? move to a new country, learn the language, and plant churches as missionaries. life does not end until your dead, and until then, God calls us to keep abandoning and surrendering to the Holy Spirit’s guidance. i have met a few couples who sit together on a special pedestal within my mind, and these two just squished in beside them–i took as many pages as i could out of their book in the short span i spent at their home. after laughing and chatting with them over lunch, we sat down in their living room, where jeff walked through the scriptures to encourage me to discover my specific role in the church, practice my spiritual gifts, and then together they prayed over me and passed on prophetic words God has spoken; and then did not hesitate to drive me to and from the airport at ungodly times at night…

and after a very smooth trip back to the thai town, i am ready to begin the next two months of my journey in an insulated house, rented motorbike transportation, and paved streets; though still feeling much like aesop’s country mouse adjusting to a faster and more convenient lifestyle…

ode to an ocean

to acquaint again with your gracious awe,

to travel with my pupils to the horizon,

and know there is still more of you

i did not forget your sounds, your lulls, your crash–i still may sit at your feet and wonder.

the trees kept me busy and the river, preoccupied with gurgles and rushes;

but nothing can separate us–you and i–for you are the edge of adventure and the moments of peace and all that i need

to be happy.

i am welcomed again to the shore.

some tears, some heartache, but not quite goodbye…

spending a few days just about anywhere, or with anyone, can be an amazing, life-changing experience. it can also be an incredibly inaccurate picture of the true nature of the person and/or place. it is easy to have a glimpse of a thing and project that he, she or it are always the way they appear to you to be now. the part does not necessarily reflect the whole, you see (i just reread this last sentence and realized that my philosophical abstractions are creeping up on me, so allow me to explain in more concrete terminology). if you see only a woman’s head, and it is small, it does not follow that the rest of her is small in proportion: in fact, i have seen some incredibly obese women with rather minute skulls. the same goes for musekee–many a group have come to visit this place, and they receive a bountiful portion of food for each meal (catered to their western taste buds, often including pancakes and spaghetti), a driver and preplanned appointments in villages, a translator and welcome/farewell evenings full of song and dance to bookend their experience. what a time!

the reality: oftentimes there is little to no food found in the kitchen and the variety steeply declines (fried egg, canned fish, packaged noodles), a daily plan exists only on certain occasions, siami’s time splits between the center and chiang mai, and english speakers grow immediately sparse. i found many days rather monotonous, quiet and without purpose. NOT what most short-term visitors had the pleasure of experiencing. and even my time was not lengthy–five months, in light of a lifetime in the hills, pales in comparison. so, what is musekee really like? depends on who you speak to, and even then the answer you receive will be incomplete. experience, especially one, small isolated experience, does not reflect the whole.

you may have noticed that  ‘the reality’ i aforementioned did not include the “welcome/farewell evenings full of song and dance”–no, i did not forget. the center throws a bash post-devotions on the last evening of a team’s visit. the children sing, everyone thanks the foreigners for coming, rehearsed dances commence, and prayer for those leaving caps off the memorable night. it is a way of honoring those that took the time to come, and often involves tearful goodbyes mingled with laughter. after five months of participating in these farewells, i rather looked forward to my own last night in musekee–i needed the closure. well…it did not go quite as expected…

i told siami i plan on coming back up the center for a night at the end of april before my return to the states. though my time living there is now over, she thought it be better to do the farewell party when i come back. so as i packed up on the last day of february, it seemed rather monotonous, quiet and without purpose. there were no great bursts of tears or celebrations to commemorate my time here, just a few girls fighting off sleep so i would not have to stay up alone packing. part of me felt a bit cheated, but simultaneously i had the understanding that this is just part of living. when you visit a place, the romance wafts through and lingers as you depart. when you live in a place, the romance fades and drudgery is inevitable. but there is also something to receive when you remain awhile: deeper relationships, a fuller understanding of culture, a wider breadth of experience, and ultimately, a richer love for the place. somehow, all the boring and frustrating and disappointing times accumulate to enhance my assurance that i really dwelt among these people. i cannot put into words what happened to me in these last five months…i cannot put into words how valuable i believe these people to be, and how much i love the children here…and so the morning of my departure, with all the students gathered around me, i was asked if there was anything i would like to say. tears just ran down my cheeks and all my premeditated words escaped me as i managed to muster the words, “chan rac coon, lei kid teung coon mak ma” (i love you and will miss you very very much)…

i am not any good at goodbyes, anyhow.

just revel in Him (the rest follows)

when living alone, one’s thoughts often substitute for friendly conversation that would normally occur in daily life. and for one who tends to think more than the average american, this can result in a nerve transmission overload at times. so to relieve some of this brain pressure, i have taken up-with renewed zeal-the art of conversing with the Almighty Abba upstairs. proven to be an excellent listener and lover of faulty human beings, He takes in all that my gray matter can spat out, patiently understands all the fragments spewn and finally, goes about surgically reorganizing my skull so i may think a bit more clearly. He and i have had a LOT of conversations over these last few months, making me more dependant on Him than ever, and more in love each day with my Savior and Lord. as He compartmentalizes my crazy, themes begin to surface as i take time to introspectively observe His potter’s hands at the wheel of my soul. one such theme coincides with an often quoted bible verse here at the center (mostly by the director, tete): “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” (psalm 37:4). and i am here to tell you, this is the truth…

from serious and deeply wrought desires to rather comical fulfillment, God has not ceased to hold true to the promise that if you focus on remaining seized my His great affection and rejoicing in knowing Him, He will not withhold any good thing. though this may not be an awe-inspiring realization for any of you out there, it has held me in awe as i do not even have to verbalize desires for them to actualize–thoughts are sufficient. let me walk you through what i mean:

i will think, ‘i haven’t done much sewing here, and would really like to put that skill to some use,’ and without saying a word (or even formulating a prayer), the next day two of the middle school girls will come to my room and ask if i can use some fabric to make them pants…and then i sew all day alone in the sewing room and think, ‘it’s lonely in here i wish i had a sewing buddy,’ and just continue to sing and work, and then the students all come home from school and want me to alter a ton of clothes, while they dance and sit beside me as i work;

im reading this book and it’s about architects, and i think, it would be cool to design a house of my own…and not three days later, tete asks me if i could draw out a house plan for her because she has a n empty lot that needs a home on it;

while falling asleep one evening, i am finding myself wishing to do more outreach to the karen people here, and go to bed resolving to request of tete that we do just this, only to come to breakfast in the morning and discover she is out of town for the day. instead, the bible school pastor, senae, eats with us and asks if i want to join him and the bible school on a fasting retreat in the mountains–which includes about eighty other karen people. “uh, yes please;”

there has been a bit of an overfertilization problem among the dogs here in musekee, resulting in many muts crowding the center, but also in many very adorable pups loafing about. in a population control effort (and because one the dogs chomped on a neighbor’s chicken), the boys killed and ate a few of them, while i was in chiang mai. upon hearing about this, i inquire of my friend, “which ones did they eat?”–all the while hoping my favorite little black one was not among the causualties–of which he tells me, “two big dogs and one baby dog: the black one.” need i explain my heartbreak? well, three weeks later, one of the boys shows up after school with a new little black baby dog. i did not ask for it, but he now follows me everywhere, and the girls named him “big boy.”

i have a thought, and without any effort of my own, God gives it to me. there is no need to speak, no need to worry, make your requests known to God alone and there remains no doubt of who directs our steps. only one week left for me in the mountains here, and i cannot tell you how many desires of mine have been met in this way. He grants all kinds, from ridiculous delusions of my becoming an architect to deep cares to minister and reach these people with His redeeming power. and all because i love Him, and enjoy Him…He returns my delight with confirmations that He loved me first, and loves me more. give it a try, you may end up in a foreign country building a house of your own someday.

english.

i am going to have a really kick-ass charade game after spending another month or so here–either that or God will miraculously endow me with the ability to speak thai and karen with unprecedented fluency.

back in november, i began formally running english classes while the students were on break from school: nice, one hour sessions complete with oral exercises and games. the pastor of the bible school, senae, asked if i wouldn’t mind coming to teach his ten students as well. so one morning i rise early and head over the school with him ready to run my locally acclaimed learn-to-say-your-name-in-english program. i arrive, have at them, and an hour and a half later they are still starring at me awaiting my native tongue’s instructions. so we learned a song in english: another hour. still i am not relieved, and so i continue: until lunch time. while eating our rice and chile, senae turns to me and says, “so 8:30 to 11:30am okay for you all this week?” and as my mind calculates that this time frame amounts to THREE hours per day of straight teaching, i reply, “sure, sounds great” (and a translator would be far too efficient, so of course it is just me, a thai dictionary, and ten bible students who know barely any english).

this was over two months ago, and i can say that we made it through, not one, but several sporadic weeks of this schedule–with lots lots of charades, pictionary, blank stares, and laughing (both at ourselves and at each other). one of the students, upon my prompting of the question, “what are you wearing?” replied, “i am wearing a jacket and sweaty pants”–uh, no, his pants were rather dry, in fact he was wearing a pair of polyester sweats. the fun is not only had by myself: one of the boys really enjoys his own little game of rapidly spatting out karen and/or thai phrases to me and then refusing to explain them. i gather enough to know the comments remain endearing, and for the most part, he just enjoys seeing me stare back at him blankly and then in growing frustration as i do not understand. him and others hold a special nook in my heart as we have grown together over these hours, and they even wrote letters in english to ten friends of mine in the states (and cannot wait for the replies).

in the midst of this endurance teaching, i went with kay to a nearby village, huaya, to teach at the public school for four days. here, we took over the english teacher’s classes and ran our own programs. upon meet the resident english teacher (on the job now for more than five years), he eagerly asks if he can practice his conversational english with me…which amounts to just a smidge more than the students at the center. sad, but true, most of the english teachers here in the hilltribe schools can barely speak the language they teach (as i have visited two other schools since huaya, with similar stories). though i failed miserably on my ap spanish test in high school (i could have left all the questions blank with only my name on the page and received the same score), i have a newfound appreciation for the quality of spanish they imparted to me, all of them having extensively spoken the language. this leaves me motivated to pray for well-qualified teachers to join the ranks in the hills…and the beacon of hope are the two girl student teachers (ratree and jeem) i have befriended: both my age and in their last year of school, we hold conversations with little misunderstanding. makes for two new friends for me and a better instruction for the students…an all around win in my book.

disclaimer (for those of you that have tracked with my educational history): yes, i did enter into cal poly as a liberal studies major with the intention of being a teacher; and yes, i switched out because i discovered i hated teaching in the school; and yes, this is exactly what i have had to do here; and yes, i still don’t like doing it. but God and His infinite sense of humor puts me right back into these situations and these are the times i realize that at times, serving those around sometimes requires one to do some undesirable acts, in order to let His love shine and prove that i love these people more than i hate to teach in public schools. and then, because He loves me, too, allows me a chance to throw a girl’s retreat/night here at the center, with a translator and everything. we danced, sang and i got to tell them how much i love them, because God loves them first. then i got to stand by and pray over them as they spread throughout the room and prayed, asking God to reveal just how He loves them each uniquely. so whether our mutual language remains limited, we are able to share moments of intimate love for one another: that, and we spend other evenings dispelling rumors who likes who, and rating the most handsome boys at the center. i love being a teenage girl…in thailand, at least.